Word dump.

The Content in My Brain is Consistent with Scrambled Eggs.

is there anything more frustrating that falling for an online scam? I can think of so many other things that frustrate me, but I'd have to say that wasting my time on an hour long webinar promised to provide an abundant amount of informative and mastery skills takes the cake. I mean realistically, I can think of so many other things that I'd rather be doing for an hour on a Saturday, like wasting the day away playing online bingo or solitaire. So why is it that the internet is filled with get rich quick schemes? and what can a person, like myself, do when I have so many ideas but no niche. No niche. Nada. Imagine having an entire brain filled with racing thoughts and nothing good comes out of it. Stuck in a 9 to 5. Stuck being over worked and underpaid. As someone who loves words and everything about writing, why is it so consistently difficult to find my niche? I find myself jotting down 928384758 different business ideas on a daily basis, to no avail and then I ask myself this daily: what do you want to do with your life? what do you want to be? what great ideas can you bring to the table? After relentlessly questioning myself on a daily basis, the only answer that I can come up with is that I want to produce WORTHY content. I want to produce something that aids people rather than waste their fucking time. I want to give back to the world everything beautiful that it's given me. Although I feel personally that I have suffered through a lifetime of trials and tribulations, I am steadily trying to find peace and hope in the fact that this universe has given me so much. But what do I have to give back? And what does one do when they are stuck at a crossroad deciding whether or not to break the barriers between privacy and oversharing. I love what my poetry does for me and I sincerely love what it does for the people who support and listen. The struggle though, is drawing the line between creative outlets and invasion of privacy. Do I want the whole world to see my demons? the problem with social media is judgement. it's the overcompensating. it's the way that people are too afraid to be themselves and be transparent, so they take to the keyboards to attack any transparency that others' have to give. 

At what point do healing words turn themselves right back into the demons that were fighting to come out in the first place? it's crazy to think that something so therapeutic, so healing such as writing, can become the one thing that it was used to combat. Anxiety. Stress. Self-doubt. the many things that are alleviated once the words are leaked onto the paper are the same things that are ate right back up in an inevitable cycle of oversharing to the public. Why does the world make you think that you need to have an answer right now? why does the world feel that they need to share everything large but not celebrate the little wins. I woke up today. I had an amazing cup of coffee. I laid in a warm bed and listened to the rain. It's the little things I am constantly trying to salute, even when I don't feel they're worth saluting. It's the little things that have brought me as far as I am today, but why is it so damn hard most of the time to celebrate them? 

The majority of the time, I want to erase all social media. I crave to delete all contact with people who are nothing but a virtual idea of interpersonal communication, instead of actually real. Usually, I delete everything, but it's not long after that I start thinking to myself that maybe I'm missing out on potentially being a higher version of myself. Or maybe my lack of social media is making my "friends" think I'm too distant. or maybe they don't think about me at all. Or maybe I'm missing out on vital information that could potentially skyrocket me to the millionaire club. this constant anguish eats me alive. the cycle is bound to repeat itself. Delete, undelete, repeat. I find myself constantly searching for ways to hold myself up when I feel the world is trying to just bring me down. And self sabotaging thoughts are something that need to be fought off daily. All I want to do it right about it and share it with others - share it with them to see my own progress. Share it with them to see if they can relate and I'm not so alone. Share it with them so I don't think I'm so crazy. But once it's shared, what's next? So here we've come, full circle. What do you do when the one thing that helps you heal has the potential to hurt you all the same?