Guilt and Happiness Should Never Be In The Same Sentence (Even When A Tragic Loss Of A Loved One Is)

 I've already sipped my wine 3 times just staring at this blank screen and I'm still not sure where I should start. I wrote this blog 6 times in my head during my shower and 4 times while I was getting dressed. I stood in the mirror staring at my wet hair and pink cheeks to match the pink slip that I'm wearing from my great grandmothers closet, and I just noticed that the breast part is see through (ok grandma that's gross).

I couldn't decide if this should be a blog post or a journal entry and while I constantly question my motive I can't help but wonder, is there an in between? After all, I have way too many thoughts to contain in my head - which means that I have way too many thoughts to contain to one post but I would love to give some insight to an actual real problem and not just spill my emotional wreckage into your probably already ship wrecked brain.

*sips wine*

I felt beautiful today. Not just because realistically my outfit and lipstick were on point - they were - but because I felt like I was wearing my happiness. Happiness is something that I haven't remembered how to wear since my sister passed away in 2014. Not only was I wearing my happiness, I was embracing it - actually fucking allowing myself to feel it. Now normally, I show it - but I rarely feel it. Smiling a gorgeous radiant smile is something that I just got used to mimicking to trick myself.

It made me take a step back. What was going on here? this veil of happiness felt so good to me that I honestly didn't even stop to question it until I seen a picture of my sister on facebook. Now let me explain something to you real quick, I literally think about my sister EVERY day. Mostly throughout my day and I never ever make a decision without her popping into my head. So for me to be thinking about her all day and feeling a sense of happiness I completely forgot existed - was abnormal.

It wasn't until I seen her picture that I started to question lifes motives. Was this really happiness? Why am I feeling so happy and not sad? Why haven't I wanted to cry yet today? and Why do I all of a sudden feel guilty for feeling happy?

That was it. I felt guilty. Now guilt is something that I've dealt with tremendously since she passed (for personal reasons) and it's something that has completely ate me up and spit me back out repeatedly. I've finally moved passed that stage somewhere around 2 years later in my grieving process (which is not even a fucking process at all - grief is a lifestyle..we'll go into more in another post) and have actually been able to live a somewhat normal day to day life. However, "happiness" is just not in my day to day vocabulary (shit like "in leu of" and "fuckit I'll have a drink" is - but not "happiness").

So, feeling guilty for being happy? That's fucking ludicrous. Well, for starters it's ludicrous because it's an emotion I'm used to feeling but not in this way and it's also ironic as fuck. I mean, who feels guilty for being happy? Isn't that what life is all about, aren't you supposed to feel happy (or at least try)? I thought I was fucking crazy.

If you've read this far you've probably either decided that 1. you agree with majority of what I'm saying or 2. you just downright feel sorry for me and want to keep reading to see if I figure shit out and go on with my life already. Either one is completely okay but for those of you who have felt what I'm feeling, or have some sort of idea - then this is for you.

I'm here to help you through this shit. This absolute, ludicrous, guilty shit-show. I wasn't sure at first if I wanted this to be considered a "blog" or whatnot so no where in here am I going to type into Google "how to not feel guilty for being happy after you take a horrible tragic fucking loss," and shpeal to you some bullshit "grief strategies" some bullshit self-proclaimed therapist blogger wrote about. I Promise.

Here goes.

Remember how you started.

I think that we tend to forget the journey to happiness that we walked, ran, powered through, tripped and ate shit on. Don't forget it. Remember that for you to even be feeling this amount of "happiness" in one day is fucking CRAZY - considering from where you started - and you deserve it. You know why you can't feel guilty? Because you didn't take the easy way out. You powered through, you walked the path and you broke everything along the fucking way. The best part is, is that you never thought you could feel this happy again - but you do.

Remember how you started. Think about the days that you literally thought your heart was going to stop from the pain. Think about the days you cried for hours in the shower until the water turned cold. Think about the way your therapist looked at you like you were a fucking crazy nutcase. Are you still there? Are you still in those moments? No. You're not and those moments are what took you to this moment right now - fucking true happiness. YOU DESERVE IT.

Remember who you're living for.

Ultimately, you're living for you. If you don't breath, eat or take care of yourself, then you can't take care of anyone else. You take care of you first. You came into this world as a solo human being - you're going to leave it as one. You can't live someone else's life for them and they can't live yours for you, so there's no way in fucking hell that you should be feeling guilty for being happy - after all, didn't your loved one just looooove to see you smile? Show em you still got it and rock it like it ain't never going out of style.

Remember that happiness is what your loved one wants for you

I mean come on, if they didn't want you to be happy I'm sure you wouldn't love them so much, right? Right. You love them dearly - like dearly as fuck (sorry had to) and they love you. So as cliche as it may sound, remember that they want to see you smile and be genuinely happy. After all, didn't you plead and pray that one day you can remember what happiness feels like again? Well today is that day honey. Feel it. Embrace it. Don't feel guilty about it.

We're all dealing with some sort of pain in our own ways and we've all felt guilt before. Don't sell yourself short - or your loved one. They want to see you shine like the fucking diamond that you are - you deserve it. Don't forget to smile, you never know who's watching.

What are some ways or things that help you to not feel guilty for finally feeling happy? What are some things you tell yourself for reassurance? I'd love to hear, let me know in the comments, thank you for reading.